Retail therapy

Shopping, shopping and more shopping. Once again I was overwhelmed with urge to buy something, in fact to buy anything, so that's what I did. The ten pairs of glasses I already have just didn't seem enough as I was strangely drawn towards the Alain Mikli shop, once inside I was totally incapable of leaving without buying a new pair of glasses. I have strange attraction to Philippe Starcks design and have picked up one or two things of his along the way. At last I discovered he has designed a pair of glasses I like! Previous designs have never been quite my cup of tea, so with these it just came down to which colour, and sadly, being a 'bloke' I opted for blue, with a little bit if nudging by the sales assistant.

So armed with my new vision I was able to do some more shopping, which consisted of a new pair of shoes (Timberland soft and comfy ones), Marks and Spencers range of not so sexy underwear (functional full support being the aim of these ones) and a big bag of DVD's (for the dull moments in my weekends). I failed to actually buy anything I need, but I did get to feel a warm rosey glow of satisfaction, which I tired to take further in order to cover up the feeling of guilt.

So things are all back to normal and I must get back to focusing on my diet and reducing my 10 gallon beer belly to a 5 gallon one .. and consider if I need a different colour of Starck Eyes, as I was was also lusting over the silver grey ones ..... we'll just have to see

More R&R

As some people are aware I have been a bit under the weather lately and consequently have taken myself off to Hong Kong for some R&R (Rest and Recuperation), also got a big job to sort out which is easier done from our Hong Kong Head Office.

It is at times like that this when I really appreciate the people I work for, when the need arises to save my sanity and get on with things ... people generally come through.

This is one of many trips I have made to Hong Kong and I still struggle to get used to the fast pace of life and the vast number of people squeezed into such a small place. As often is the case I whinge endlessly about the cars and scooters in Taipei and the lazy pace at which people seem to walk. Apparently I always walk like a man on a mission, and I guess I am, a mission not to waste my time walking between A & B. Unless, of course, it is one of those relaxing walks which I don't actually do that often, trees and more bloody trees don't do much for me.

So, Hong Kong a country of speed and shopping, and more shopping and if you run out of things to do there is always more shopping! I did pop in to Marks & Spencer that British Institution of Retailing for some new underwear (didn't bring enough) if there is one thing M&S can be counted on for, it is practical, functional underwear that put things just where they should be! I also indulged in some of their imported UK tasty treats prawn cocktail and smokey bacon crisps (translates to chips) and some dark chocolate jaffa cakes, what a night of heaven. If there is one thing made for R&R it is jaffa cakes!

I am here for a few more days yet and have not hit HMV yet, where no doubt I will buy far too many UK DVDs and then I'll need a bag to bring them home in ... oh well a small price to pay to keep practising my Mancunian accent, and keep my deep tones ... will let you know what I buy, if there is anything interesting. I am off for a Radox Deep muscle relaxing bath now, I know a bath! Wow! what a great hotel and whats better is my fat lard ass even fits in it! Deep joy ......

Rest and Relaxation

What a perfectly restful weekend I had which I also attempted to extend into my working day on Monday, but without success (I had to do some work). It was two days of sitting around on my arse, although I did manage some cleaning and those other fun filled household chores. Whilst the temptation to go and sink a few gin and tonics in Fresh was at the forefront of my mind, I resisted and had one or two glasses of red wine at home instead.

I spent much of the time watching 'A Touch of Frost' a UK detective crime drama type thing, got through quite a few episodes and the skills of the lead actor never cease to amaze me. David Jason is more well known for his role as Del 'Boy' Trotter in the hit comedy 'Only fools and horses', but in later years he has turned to other roles, particularly that of Inspector DI Frost and his strange, unconventional methods of solving his weekly murders. Well I am sure a google will throw up further facts ....

Despite spending most of my stone cold sober (as opposed to being drunk both on Friday and Saturday nights, and a few 'it is work tomorrow I deserve drink' on Sunday) I managed to get 3 good nights sleep that weren't completely alcohol induced. How much better do I feel for it ...Bloody marvelous!

Happy days n' sad days

There are happy days and then there are the sad days, sometimes the sad days outnumber the happy ones. I woke this morning at yet another ungodly hour after a pretty restless night of sleep, but there was a slight spring in my step as I fell out of bed. Now as you do at 6am in the morning I got chatting to friend and the conversation turned to depression.

Now depression is one of those funny things, I am never quite sure how to handle it, as depression itself takes many forms and the cures are wide and varied. As we were talking my mind drifted back to the problems of my early 20's. I have always been perceived as a quite strong, independent and intelligent person (we can debate that another time), however when I hit 22 my life took a strange turn and not for the best. It was as the same I went to Japan and on my return I discovered that things had changed. I was losing weight rapidly (25kgs in about 6 months) and generally feeling unwell. After struggling on through a term of university I decided that something had to be done. So off I went to the doctor who diagnosed bulimia and depression and put me on some happy pills and added me to the long list of students who need to see the shrink. I continued on with the pills but mental help never arrived, with the help of friends and a kick up the backside I got over the bulimia and the depression subsided. I guess the only bonus from it all was being thin for once, good friendships and an unfortunate smoking habit.

Now I continued on down my merry way graduating from Uni and landing a good job, it wasn't until many years later that things started to go wrong again (around 30, a pre mid-life crisis). I lost my interest in work, my partner, my home and my food and spent far too much time in bed. As work was being affected action needed to be taken again and off I went to see the doctor, I think I recognised already what was going on, but better to be sure. What I really couldn't accept was why I was depressed, I had a loving bf, a good job, my family, my friends and had just bought my first home, to many people I had everything, but inside there was something missing ... there must be.

He diagnosed clinical depression and it was back on the happy pills and the list to see the shrink. Fortunately for me an opening appeared in a group therapy group within a few weeks and after being assessed I was accepted as suitable, so the mind game began. I soon realised that only by talking can we actually begin to treat the problems and listening others, with their own set of not so unique problems, reaffirms that you are not going mad and people do suffer, you are not alone. The group I joined was using CBT, cognitive behavioural therapy, which essentially teaches you how to change the way you think from constant negative put downs to positive pick me ups. It involved a lot of writing ... what am I feeling, why do I feel like this, what situation am I in, what triggered it .. Then reviewing this to find a pattern a lead, some thread from which we can learn to turn things around, set our goals and move on.

Feeling of self doubt and worthlessness and negativity brings you down, as I learnt, not to mention the endless navel gazing, trying to answer the question why I am here? A common question amongst gay people I think as the children thing is not likely to happen (I spent far too much time contemplating this issue). I am thankful now that I am more upbeat and positive about myself, although the question as to why I am here remains an open, it doesn't consume all my time, and its more important to focus family, friends and work, being positive I am here because they want me to be, which is more than enough for me and I thank them for. With what I learnt at group therapy I am better equipped to deal with the sad days and enjoy the happy days. Sad days have there place and there is no harm in feeling down and sorry for yourself once in while, it is only from that can we pick things up again and start building something fresh and new .... and I have found what was missing inside, but I am still in the process of putting it back.