Happy days n' sad days

There are happy days and then there are the sad days, sometimes the sad days outnumber the happy ones. I woke this morning at yet another ungodly hour after a pretty restless night of sleep, but there was a slight spring in my step as I fell out of bed. Now as you do at 6am in the morning I got chatting to friend and the conversation turned to depression.

Now depression is one of those funny things, I am never quite sure how to handle it, as depression itself takes many forms and the cures are wide and varied. As we were talking my mind drifted back to the problems of my early 20's. I have always been perceived as a quite strong, independent and intelligent person (we can debate that another time), however when I hit 22 my life took a strange turn and not for the best. It was as the same I went to Japan and on my return I discovered that things had changed. I was losing weight rapidly (25kgs in about 6 months) and generally feeling unwell. After struggling on through a term of university I decided that something had to be done. So off I went to the doctor who diagnosed bulimia and depression and put me on some happy pills and added me to the long list of students who need to see the shrink. I continued on with the pills but mental help never arrived, with the help of friends and a kick up the backside I got over the bulimia and the depression subsided. I guess the only bonus from it all was being thin for once, good friendships and an unfortunate smoking habit.

Now I continued on down my merry way graduating from Uni and landing a good job, it wasn't until many years later that things started to go wrong again (around 30, a pre mid-life crisis). I lost my interest in work, my partner, my home and my food and spent far too much time in bed. As work was being affected action needed to be taken again and off I went to see the doctor, I think I recognised already what was going on, but better to be sure. What I really couldn't accept was why I was depressed, I had a loving bf, a good job, my family, my friends and had just bought my first home, to many people I had everything, but inside there was something missing ... there must be.

He diagnosed clinical depression and it was back on the happy pills and the list to see the shrink. Fortunately for me an opening appeared in a group therapy group within a few weeks and after being assessed I was accepted as suitable, so the mind game began. I soon realised that only by talking can we actually begin to treat the problems and listening others, with their own set of not so unique problems, reaffirms that you are not going mad and people do suffer, you are not alone. The group I joined was using CBT, cognitive behavioural therapy, which essentially teaches you how to change the way you think from constant negative put downs to positive pick me ups. It involved a lot of writing ... what am I feeling, why do I feel like this, what situation am I in, what triggered it .. Then reviewing this to find a pattern a lead, some thread from which we can learn to turn things around, set our goals and move on.

Feeling of self doubt and worthlessness and negativity brings you down, as I learnt, not to mention the endless navel gazing, trying to answer the question why I am here? A common question amongst gay people I think as the children thing is not likely to happen (I spent far too much time contemplating this issue). I am thankful now that I am more upbeat and positive about myself, although the question as to why I am here remains an open, it doesn't consume all my time, and its more important to focus family, friends and work, being positive I am here because they want me to be, which is more than enough for me and I thank them for. With what I learnt at group therapy I am better equipped to deal with the sad days and enjoy the happy days. Sad days have there place and there is no harm in feeling down and sorry for yourself once in while, it is only from that can we pick things up again and start building something fresh and new .... and I have found what was missing inside, but I am still in the process of putting it back.